25 Tourist Tricks to Rediscovering Berlin
by James and Zoe
Fucking tourists. Look at them – standing there in the bike lane, with a beer in each hand and a gormless grin on their face, oblivious to the bitter Berliners bearing down on them, piston legs powered by resentment and… is that… envy? They may be morons, but they seem so happy, like little children caught up in the wonderment of what is, for them, the biggest urban playground Europe has to offer.
11) ..or THE PREDATOR?!!!
25) And finally… PHOTOAUTOMAT!
Well, why should they have all the fun? After three years in the city, we figured we deserve a break from reality as much as any easyjetsetter. So we packed our tour guides into our “fanny packs” and set out to the city’s most obvious attractions, in order to pick up 25 tourist tricks to rediscovering Berlin.
1) Beer for breakfast.
2) Bratwurst for lunch.
3) Döner for dinner.
4) Speak only three words of German: “SPRECHEN. SIE. ENGLISCH?”
5) Rent the biggest bike imaginable…
6) …preferably, one powered by beer.
7) Or go solo and rent a Segway!
After all, no one wants to be seen with you on that thing.
8) Take the U-Bahn.
One hour and three transfers later, you’ll have successfully made it across Unter den Linden.
9) Get busted by BVG inspectors.
See how far you get with the line, “but I’m just a tourist…”
10) Get your photo taken with fake American soldiers…
11) ..or THE PREDATOR?!!!
12) Spend all day in the Sony Center.
There’s restaurants, a cinema AND DUNKIN’ DONUTS – why would you ever leave?
13) Try to pay with a card.
14) After resorting to withdrawing cash, treat your Euros like Monopoly money.
15) Start by tipping generously.
Dead giveaway.
16) Drink a “beer” that looks like looks nuclear waste.
17) Glühwein: Christmas in a cup.
18) Queue.
For Burgermeister. For Berghain. For the bloody Reichstag.
19) Get knocked back from Berghain. Never understand why.
20) Be disappointed by the Berlin Wall.
21) Marvel at street art as if it was the Sistine Chapel.
Like no one ever drew on a wall where you come from…
22) Act like a tit and treat the Memorial for the Murdered Jews of Europe like a jungle gym.
23) Follow the crowd. It’s going to Mauerpark.
24) Take this selfie.
25) And finally… PHOTOAUTOMAT!
…very bad taste, guys! sooooo sorry…:-/
What is? Please explain…
Hilarious!
Alright, I’ve got a few for you:
1. Block the bottom of the stairs at Friedrichstraße, Alexanderplatz or Hauptbahnhof ‘cos you and your group don’t know where you’re going!
2. Actually walk up, on the left hand-side on the escalators. Real Berliners stand in the middle of the escalator and block others from passing on.
3. Vomit all over the floor at Eberswalderstrasse!
I remember a East German colleague who was dating a South German being excited when he went to visit her parents for the first time down south. To blend in he ordered a large white beer for breakfast (to fit in with the white sausages etc) and then realized belatedly that his soon to be parents-in-law were sipping coffees and looking at him in horror.
1. ok, while it might make your hands look huge, that bier is nowhere NEAR a decent breakfast– MINDESTENS .5L augustiner! but kudos for not dropping the m-bomb, all the same.
2. love that even the predator, THE PREDATOR wears a bumbag. snortle.
BEST POST EVER! I laughed my ass off reading this. <3
Funny. I never thought I’d say or feel this, but I almost have a repulsion of going to B. after all the hype.
Or; …move to Berlin for 3 years as a “…freelance writer, social media analyst & a photographer…” (wow, who could have guessed?), and write ironically about other people visiting, convincing the world ”Ja, we are über Berliners!”. That is so cool.
But as you’ve already mentioned, also a “dead giveaway”.
// Mn,
Dick.
Tnx!
or stand over there, point your finger & then wag it sarcastically, whilst similutaneously linking to your hipstergram collection, natch.
Love it well done a brilliant piece …
[…] It can be totally liberating to rediscover where you live. Berlin is big and there’s still a lot more to see here. […]
“Act like a tit”… ha!
well, I guess if YOUR family was murdered at the holocaust, you wouldn’t treat this subject with such cluelessness… it’s distasteful, sorry.
That’s our point exactly.
We HATE those people who use the Memorial as a playground, because it shows massive disrespect and a lack of interest in what the memorial represents.
Sorry if we accidentally offended you, but we agree with you: people who don’t show the proper respect to the victims of the Holocaust are THE WORST.
Haha, you had me at “easyjetsetter” anyway, but I love this post. Every year I grab a couple of friends and do the Bus 100 Hop on Hop Off Trip and pretend I was a tourist. So much fun. It always happens to me that people at Lustgarten come to me and say “Excuse me, you are obviously only visiting, but if you want to go back home with your money and camera, you better watch your bag!” <3
Haha, that’s one thing we rediscovered when doing this post – no Berliner, new or old, ever goes to these parts of town!
not quite – we tend to do the Weihnachtsmarkt on Gendarmenmarkt every third or so year.
go to berghain?
Of course. But if you make it past the doorman, you won’t feel like a true tourist!
So great! I will try and rediscover my city very soon.
I especially like James’ face standing in front of the Berlin Wall. Haha…
And actually that man doing a handstand..jeez…. I remember when I was about 6 yrs old and we went there with class, we were told NEVER EVER to sit on the stones or else!!!
oh and one question… is there already Glühwein at Alexanderplatz? Why wasn’t I told +_+ ….
God bless your teacher, for teaching you better than most tourists!
You can get Glühwein at that poxy Oase at Alex, they have an outdoor hut selling the good stuff
Actually I filmed German tourists filming their adorable seven year old daughter doing a tap dance on one of the memorial stones a few weeks ago.
BEST. POST. EVER!
I love that so many of these tips have to be with alcohol and street food. No wonder Berlin is my kinda place…
Although not from Berlin, this has tickled me as on our many visits we cannot work out why people visit and do such things as 5, 6, 7 and of course 22! Photoautomat is our guilty pleasure every time though! Great site btw!
The best.
My brother’s favorite experience of Berlin was shimmying up the blocks at the Jewish Memorial and getting called down by a security guard (“Hallo!!!!’”). It was second only to the time he got caught on the U-Bahn without a valid ticket twice in one hour – by the same BVG employee.
this is amazing. as is your TV tower selfie
I miss sweet Olive!!
Perfect! I think I may have to reclaim Berlin as well
Although I tried pretending to be a tourist when I forgot to get a BVG ticket and it didn’t work at all. They said if I don’t have an address here I have to pay in cash now or they’ll take me to the police. Yikes!
Oh yeah. It NEVER works!
Mate – you say tried to buy a ticket, but the machine was broken. They will let you buy one when you get off.
it’s the trust system, and it makes me buy tickets out of guilt/ fear of being a disappointment… to a BVG ticket inspector.
I feel like most of them are complete assholes. I usually get tickets cause I’m a chicken but even when I do have a ticket I feel mistreated by them.