überlin

The ins and outs of dating in Berlin.

I had a few “friends with benefits” before moving to Berlin.

First, there was this boy I used to go clubbing with. I would try to help him find a girl to take home, knowing that if it didn’t work out, I’d be the one he’d end up with. For some reason, I never felt the slightest pang of jealousy, and I kind of enjoyed watching him get rejected by most of the women he approached.

Then there was this other guy who was in a relationship, and insisted on making me spend time with his girlfriend, just so he could pretend there was nothing going on between us. I stopped seeing him when it all became too much for me to handle.

Fast forward a few years and here I am in Berlin, occasionally hooking up with a few guys. Some of them I’ve known for six months now, but I could never imagine developing any romantic feelings for them. So much for the misconception that women are unable to have sex without falling in love, right?

However, despite my previous experience, I realise now that I still had a lot to learn about casual sex when I moved to Berlin – and I have to plead guilty to a few don’ts.

I used to assume that going back to a boy’s place meant that I was sleeping over. I was dead wrong – but fortunately I didn’t have to learn this the hard way. I found myself confused when I had someone over and they’d leave straight after we’d had sex, even if it was 3 am on a weekday.

And I’m pretty sure I overstayed my welcome a few times, but the guys in question were thankfully too polite to say anything. Well, there was this one dude who made me smoke a million joints and then proceeded to ask me whether I knew how to get home, even though I was barely able to make my way to his bathroom. But still, another myth busted: just because your relationship with someone is purely sexual, that doesn’t mean they will treat you like a prostitute.

A huge DON’T, however, is to assume that anyone wants to hear about your problems. There’s no bigger turn-off than hearing you complain about your boss, especially when it’s 1am on a Sunday morning and the other person has already put on their scarf and gloves. Just don’t – you’re only making it uncomfortable for everyone involved.

If you don’t want any of the commitment required of a real relationship, then I’m sorry to break this to you, but you’ll just have to live with the fact that whoever you’re seeing is going to put him- or herself first. One guy did this to me the last time we saw each other and, well, I’m not sure I can go through it again. But instead of trying to change him, I’ll just have to call the whole thing off.

When it comes to casual sex, the single biggest do would be: have fun. Do stuff that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but yourself.

There are few things as amusing as sitting on the U-Bahn on a weekday afternoon, wondering whether everyone around you can tell what you’ve just been up to and why your hair now looks like a bird’s nest. Especially when said encounter happened right after an unsatisfying lunch date with another boy.

To me, casual sex is the ultimate confidence boost. There’s nothing like having a man tear your clothes off right after you’ve entered their apartment, having awesome sex and then leaving an hour later as if nothing had happened. It’s also the best way to live out your sexual fantasies, especially in Berlin. Feel like having a blind date with someone who’s into BDSM and who you would be way too embarrassed to ever see again? No problem.

I guess casual sex has become the norm here, since most people seem to rely on their close friends for the emotional intimacy that a romantic relationship would normally provide. And this is coming from someone whose best gay friend only-half-jokingly suggested we open a joint bank account. In a city mostly populated by handsome young people who happen to be great in bed, it would be a shame not to try some of them out!

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You may know them as stag dos, bucks nights or bachelor parties. We know them as a scourge on Berlin. Every time we fly back from the UK, we share an easyjet with at least one group of “lads” in t-shirts with a crudely drawn cock and balls on the front and a nickname (“TIGHTARSE”) on the back. As with most tourists, true Berliners like ourselves ???? would prefer they stay away altogether. But if you are planning to invade our city to drown yourselves in beer and regret, please make sure to follow our Berlin Stag Dos and Don’ts.

DO stay out of our way

Rumour has it that the city is considering plans for an easystagvillage somewhere in Brandenburg, accessible by that international airport we might one day have. Of course, this is Berlin, so we expect those 100 acres of brothels and beer flumes to be completed some time in the 22nd Century. Until then, please restrict your movements to between Kreuzberg’s Schlesisches Strasse and the RAW complex in Friedrichshain. Oh, and get the fuck out of the bike lane, Arschloch!

DON’T try too hard

Forget the mankinis and matching slogan shirts in lurid colours. Here’s what you need to wear to stand out in Berlin: not black. In fact, you could be dressed in head-to-toe monochrome and we’d still be able to spot you a mile off, with your banter, your shit-eating grins and your sloppy drinking habits.

DO pace yourself

In Germany, beer is cheaper than water, and it’s a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink. Your only hope of making it to the queue for a club that you probably won’t get into is to pace yourself. Take our word for it: drinking a shandy (Radler) doesn’t make you “queer” – at least, no more than the enforced nudity and piss-drinking you’ll engage in after Beer 15.

DON’T book go-karting

Your taxi rides to and from the airport should provide plenty of high octane thrills and near misses. And, depending on the value you place on human life, they’ll work out cheaper too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO try to get into clubs

Go on, give us a laugh. The queue for Berghain is a big one, so we need some entertainment to pass the time. You lot will do, practising your shitty German and getting off with each other to appear acceptably gay. Who knows – maybe splitting up will work, and the bouncer won’t connect the 11 pink polo shirts dotted throughout the line? As long as you’re going to spend your nights stood outside of our clubs, we’ll be happy to see you try. Go on my son!

DON’T go to a strip club

The old excuse about your fiancée being the last woman you’ll ever see naked just doesn’t fly in this age of ubiquitous porn and Nicki Minaj videos. Besides, there’s precious little point in seeking out a strip club in a country whose mainstream media is smothered in naked breasts. If you want to see some tits, just turn on your hotel TV.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO experiment

If this is your last night of freedom, why not go really wild? If, by some miracle, you make it into Berghain, you’ll be surrounded by gay guys in various stages of undress, who’ll be happy to show you more than that painting of an arsehole. Think of it like prison – whatever you get up to won’t leave these concrete walls, and it certainly doesn’t make you homosexual.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DON’T

Just don’t. The beer is cheap here, but this isn’t a piss-up paradise like Prague. The clubs are amazing, but that’s mainly because they don’t let people like you in. And Berliners won’t even attempt to conceal their contempt for you and everything you represent. If you’re looking for somewhere to remind yourself how shallow and depressing your single life has been, we can recommend our hometown, Newcastle upon Tyne. The locals will welcome you, speak (something close to) your language, and can’t wait to join in as you spill vomit, blood and no small amount of piss all over its streets. Enjoy!