überlin

2manydjs, my all-time favourite disc jockays, are in Berlin this week to play the Bread & Butter opening party. I’ve loved them since they (pretty much) invented the mashup mixtape, but haven’t seen them play since some stolen nights in fabric back in 2005, when they dropped classics like “Easy Lover” all over cutting-edge electro house.

Wahwah.fm were good enough to let me gush all over the brothers Dewaele on their blog, but I’ve saved something very special for my überliners: “Hardcore or die”, an hour of relentless hardcore punk. Circle pit… MOVE!

Hardcore or die from Radio Soulwax on Vimeo.

Mr. Sexpat is a twentysomething English expat living, and occasionally loving, in Berlin. Join us as we follow him into the seamy underbelly of the city’s single scene.

“Berlin is a city at odds with those that visit and with those that stay. Berlin is a city for those lost and found, and the rest of us somewhere in-between. Berlin is for many things and for many people. What Berlin is not for is lovers. That is a fucking joke.

Having spent a good amount of the last year single, not-so-single and getting the occasional rub up in and around different bar stools, I have found myself at the dregs of 2011 the most utterly unsexed, ungroped and unsnogged since I first entered the eternal cagefight with the opposite sex.

Let me share a little secret: be it boy, girl, hipster, pug, gallery owner, electro DJ, promoter, office manager, toilet cleaner, bar owner, magazine editor, intern, student, protestor, database manager or smelly Sternburg prince; in Berlin you are either hopelessly in love or most weeknights alone, hopelessly self-involved with your right hand. There is a myth (no doubt created by a totally loved-up “bi-curious” “blogger” sat in a “cafe” somewhere, Skyping to their mates back home that they’re either a) “knee deep in German clunge” or b)”living with a performance artist called Greg”) that the streets of Berlin are awash with free pussy and/or dick. I am here to tell you (left) hand on heart that it’s not.

You can expect to spend your first months in Berlin wandering aimlessly about, too shitfaced to even see let alone meet someone, before that sinking feeling kicks in. Why are all your friends a) depressingly relationshipped or b) achingly single? Where are those poor, deluded first pangs of affection for a guy/gal/pug? Why is everyone in this cafe one half of a couple?! Bitch please, you made the one and only mistake you can make in Berlin – thinking that this city likes you.

antjeverena, “Berlin doesn’t love you”, via Flickr, Creative Commons Attribution

Berlin, the poor guy (come on, the TV Tower is clearly not a clit!), has had a tough bloody time of it over the last century and he doesn’t want you falling in love and creating more idiots to gurn in future Photoautomats. “But you’re wrong,” I hear you object. “I know lots of people who are getting laid and having a great time!” You’re missing the point. These people are free-love scum and will be destroyed as nuclear level crabs devour them from the inside out.

As I and the rest of the great unwashed ride this rollercoaster of a city, we wonder how the fuck are we going to meet anyone normal enough, good looking enough, to chat and maybe even have a relationship with. “Oh but the grass is always greener, blah blah more fish in the sea…” Well most of the fish in the Spree are vegetarian, political and much much more beautiful than you or I pal- so take your outdated notion of free love and get to the back of the queue. Some of us have been waiting a lot longer than you.

I hereby declare 2012 the year of the single Berliner! Raise your contraceptive device high boys! We’re going the find some thumbs to crawl under!”

Jacket: Zara | Jumper and Jeans: Topshop | Shoes: Beau Coops | Bag: Alexander Wang | Scarf and Armwarmers: COS

Move over RSVP, we’ve found a new favourite paper porn palace! Modulor at Moritzplatz more than lives up to its tagline, “material total”, by offering stationary, art supplies and even furniture in all shapes, sizes and colours of the spectrum. The building also houses design studios, picture framers and a couple of cafés, making Modular more of a creative lifestyle brand than just a supply store.

Its concern with both form and function, and blurring of the lines between home and work, reflects what we feel is a very Berlin mindset. In a city where many homes are converted factories and many places of work are in old apartment buildings, why shouldn’t your office be as aesthetically pleasing as your home, and your flat as functional as your office?

Theorising aside, do check out Modulor – chances are you’ll find us wandering aimlessly through its aisles, saying irrational things like “Ooo… I love these! What are they? Can we get one in every colour of the rainbow?” If you experience the same kind of “supply snow blindness”, we recommend using the 3D relief map of Berlin, pictured in the last photo, to reorientate yourself. Yes, that’s where you are…

We answer our readers’ questions about moving to, and living in, Berlin. This time: “How do I find a short-term rental, furnished and with internet access? “

happy new year!

A quick question: A family friend is here for 3-6 months and is looking for a furnished apartment. Ideally it should be in Charlottenburg/Wilmersdorf/Schöneberg. I seem to remember that you guys went through a few furnished places. Did you get them through agencies or websites? What’s the best way in your experience?

The most important thing to her is that the apartment has internet…

Thanks,

Vanessa

Oh yes, we worked through quite a few furnished apartments when we first arrived! Four in as many months, to be exact. We split our time between sublets and holiday apartments, and it was pretty easy to find furnished places with wi-fi – we just made our lives harder by having high expectations and two cats in tow!

Subletting could be a good option, as these apartments are relatively hassle-free and can usually be secured with a small deposit. Plus, because they are someone’s home, they should be fully furnished and hooked up with the internet. (Although they also come with strings attached – see our Dummkopf’s Guide to Subletting to avoid potential pitfalls!) Start by looking at Craigslist – as long as you don’t pay out money sight-unseen, you should be pretty secure – or Airbnb, the smart, safe way to rent from real people.

Holiday apartments are usually clean and well-equipped, although it might be tough finding a place for longer than three months. We can’t remember who we booked through, but these two were in the mix (they just couldn’t accommodate our required dates or cats): Case a Berlino,  T&C Apartments.

If you still can’t find anything, hit the city’s Wohnungsmarkt websites. You’ll still find sublets here, alongside “proper rentals”. Furnished, hooked-up apartments are in the minority, but they can be found. Try to avoid agent’s adverts, as they charge extortionate fees far beyond those asked for by private owners. Here are some websites to try:

Immowelt
Studenten-WG
Studenten-Wohnung
WG-Gesucht

Good luck!

Our first sublet had internet, furniture and space for all our shoes!

Got a question about life in Berlin or making the move here? Check out our quick guide to Moving to Berlin, or drop us an email and we’ll do our best to help!

If you have some advice to offer Vanessa, leave it as a comment below and we’ll make sure she gets it. Thanks!

Cupcake Berlin – what’s not to love? The city’s first cupcake shop whisks together beautiful baked goods, cutesy vector graphics, twee interior design and typisch Berliner punk edge (sadly not pictured: Black Flag-inspired tote bags). That brown badboy you can see is The King, a banana chip and peanut butter topped chocolate homage to Elvis – delicious. Zo went with the red velvet which, while not as good as Nicole New Black’s homemade babies, was still pretty pretty good. Great coffee too – although next time I’m leaving room for a Dr Pepper ice cream float. See you in five kilos!