Author: Guest Blogger

  • Daily Deutsch Doodle: Schornstein

    Category:

    Daily Deutsch: Schornstein

    by Kaytie Spellman

    Daily Deutsch Doodles are a series of illustrations based on contributions to the #dailydeutsch Twitter hashtag, aimed at helping people trying to learn German.

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  • So you want to work for a Berlin startup?

    Category:

    An insider’s view of the Berlin startup scene by Abby Carney, with some practical job-hunting tips – and GIFs curated by When You Live in Berlin.

    I moved from Atlanta to Berlin last summer to intern with a particular startup. But after nearly a year of working and socializing in what quickly became the cramped quarters of the startup bubble, I have lost a bit of the bright eyed naivety that led me here.

    I have nothing but good things to say about my former employers and the friends I’ve made through startups, but having led one version of the typical expat’s life within the tight tech scene of entrepreneurs and endless hack days (who knew so many things could be hacked?), I can honestly say that all that glitters isn’t gold. And if you feel like your job/life lacks risk and thrills, I’d advise against yearning for the exciting life of a startup employee, because it comes at a cost, and so much of the hype is just that – hype.

    Prior to my move, I read article after article, dug up every TED talk, interview, and minutiae of information that would give me insight into the famed Berlin tech startup sector. After being in it, meeting people at different companies, and seeing things up close, I came to realize that startups (at least in Berlin) are often times rampant with sexism, unprofessionalism, and confused 20-something boys in high-level positions – afraid to ask for help when they need it, and reluctant to take counsel or constructive criticism. Peacocking for investors and venture capitalists is what they do best – because their livelihood ultimately depends on impressing these people – and watching this pan out is like watching women dolled up for beauty pageants, sucking in and strutting around in uncomfortable gowns and unnaturally high heels.

    Entrepreneurship and innovation are good! Technology is vast and amazing, much like the universe itself. But I now see startups for what they are – new business ventures that are fully reliant on investors, and are not yet profitable. This is why people work themselves into the ground, rarely leaving the office save for meetups, parties, and networking events… It’s not Hollywood, as some would have you believe, and these CEOs aren’t necessarily any smarter or more on the ball than anyone else. A great many of them don’t have a clue what they’re doing, and their worst fear is that you’ll find them out.

    It’s not all good, and it’s not all bad. Taking part in startup shenanigans and seeing it all up close and personal has given me a more balanced perspective. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz when Toto knocks down the screen, revealing the great and powerful Oz to be just a little old man with a control panel, the pageantry of startups in Berlin can be a bit of a sham and a lot of smoke and mirrors. It’s necessary to pull back the curtain to determine who really knows what they’re talking about. Much of the time, these small companies are successful not because they are run by smart, talented, hardworking folks, but because they are young, beautiful, well-spoken Soho House regulars. Not to say that the two camps can’t exist within the same business, but in my Berlin experience, I’ve found the occurrence to be rare.

    Do your homework

    So, if you’ve made it this far and despite the disclaimer, you still think Berlin startup life is for you, my advice to the potential budding startup employees out there is to perform a background check on the companies you consider working with. Doing your homework means being thorough – befriend the startup gossips and get the scoop on everyone in the village. Despite appearances, it’s a small town, and it’s good to know who you’re crawling into bed with.

    It’s true of any business, corporate or fledgling, that who you work with and for is crucial to your success and happiness within the organization, but especially in startups. When work is typically done in close quarters, teams are small and the line between work and home becomes seriously blurred, it’s important to join a team of people you trust, admire, and respect. A lot. So if possible, find their former employees, people who have been laid off, or who have moved on, and quietly find out what you might be getting yourself into. Simply perusing their press page isn’t going to yield the sort of answers you’re looking for.

    Seek diversity

    Don’t be blinded by the free Club Mates and fancy espressos. Pay attention to who’s on the team. Age is just a number, but in some cases, it matters. A startup with the wisdom and leadership of someone (or a few someones) who’s been around the block a time or two is a huge asset, as there are no shortcuts to experience and maturity. They’re gained the old fashioned way – over time. A few tree rings means your startup of choice is run by insightful, intelligent folks who will likely value you and your skills. Be looking for female employees too, particularly in leadership roles. According to the research, teams with greater gender diversity generate more innovative thinking in problem solving.

    Find a balance

    Also, resist the urge to drink the Kool Aid. What I mean by this is simply to keep balance in your life. Actually have a life that exists outside the office. There’s something genuinely beautiful about the way many startup teams feel close to each other, like a family, and they spend most of their time together during their off hours as well. But the downside to this is that you will create a bubble for yourself, and sooner or later you’ll burn out. Find at least one hobby, group, or activity that you keep separate from work so that you don’t go crazy. And for heaven’s sake, try your best not to date your co-workers. Berlin is a big city, and there are plenty of fish in its murky sea. Better to throw a line in the Spree than in your own workplace.

    That being said, enjoy your time working to create something you feel connected to. It will be perhaps some of the most arduous and soul-enhancing endeavor you’ve ever been a part of, working for a startup. If you’ve counted the costs and are in for the wild ride, why not give Berlin startup life a try?

    35 Responses to “So you want to work for a Berlin startup?”

    1. […] read the newspapers, heard the critiques, and listened to the song, but do you still find yourself wondering, “Is everyone really moving […]

    2. […] a first hand account of what it’s like to work at a Berlin start-up, read Abby’s story. Or take a look at this graduate guide to Berlin’s start-up […]

    3. […] Abby Carney discusses the Berlin startup scene and what you might want to look for when choosing a place to work (So You Want to Work for a Berlin Startup?) […]

    4. I feel like shouting, SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT! Well put. Also you’re a great writer and if you’re ever looking for a job, holler.

      • Abby Carney says:

        Oh hey, Courtney! I haven’t checked back on the comments here in a few months, but thank you so much for your kind words! And coincidentally, I am very much looking for a job. We should chat.

    5. Amanda says:

      perfect. enought and well said. i wish i have read it one year ago, just as some preparation.

    6. […] culture and their city, you need to learn German. Most jobs outside of the ultra-competitive startup scene call for at least basic German skills, as do meetings at any government building and phone calls […]

    7. Patricia says:

      I agree with you berlin is a very nice place for working and living. If you look for it jobs you can check my site Marsjobs.net

    8. Ulf (ex-EasyBib) says:

      On the other hand, the Berlin startup scene can also be seen as a bit of a joke.

    9. Joc Cousteau says:

      Abby has enough guts to speak truthfully and enough wit to speak intelligently, cleverly. If its more women we need in the Berlin start-up seen, then this lady should be front in center.

    10. Avant-Hard says:

      Exactly my experience.

    11. Loll says:

      Nice one Abby! It’s nice to read a personal account of “the other side”. I feel maybe said bitterness felt in said Swiss Get Your Guide office has in fact little to do with you and your opinions per se.

    12. Luke says:

      Well said.

    13. It’s a brave and nuanced article. As a representative of a media outlet in the Berliner startup scene I will try to be more aware regarding these issues. Thank you.

    14. Johann says:

      “But I now see startups for what they are – new business ventures that are fully reliant on investors, and are not yet profitable. ”

      Unless they are bootstrapped, which requires earning some money on the side. But that’s not the kind of startups these guys you talk about here want to build (or, for the most part, are able to build in the first place), or that you hear about in the “tech media bubble”. Nobody knew Peritor before they were bought by Amazon, most people didn’t know about them long after – many still don’t know.

      Good article, could use some more concrete examples though! ????

      • v says:

        All examples are from Abby’s time at Gidsy. The bitterness can be felt all the way in Swiss GetYourGuide offices..

        The essence of what she’s saying is mostly true, I just find it sad that she couldn’t write it without all the petty digs at “a few someones”…

        wahhhhhuuuuhhhh wahhhuhhhhh

        • Natalie says:

          I am positive she is not talking about her old coworkers here. I know because I know her and I know them. It sounds like a broader view at startups in general and of course some people are not going to like the perspective she writes from because we often don’t hear the negatives of startup life.

          I don’t think she is being petty, I think she is being honest in her perspective and in the end it is her take on startups — not everyone has her experiencel.

          I don’t think it should be looked at that way at all.

          • v says:

            Like I said, I think she states the truth… In fact I don’t disagree with any of the main points.
            I just don’t agree that it’s a “broad view”.. this article is filled with insinuations from Abby’s ONE start-up experience, and if you don’t see that you’re letting your friendship cloud your judgement.

            I would’ve loved to read an article like this, but without the baggage AC brought to it.

            • Natalie says:

              I know she is a freelancer and has had more than one experience in the startup world. But, I know this is hard subject for many people and writing about it will of course make people upset. It might also make people think they are being singled out.

              I was just stating that I hope and don’t think she is calling anyone out in particular. And, yes we are friends so I am vouching for her because I know her.

            • Abby says:

              I think Natalie did a great job of explaining, but I thought I would add, V, that this is not a blog post directed at any particular person or company, but is a broad view of startups within the city, that broad view being mine, and we are all entitled to our own opinions, eh?

              I think it is interesting that you make such a generalization about my personal experiences without knowing me. If I had just one startup experience, I don’t believe I would write a general piece about Berlin startups. However, I am a freelancer and have worked and collaborated with several startups in the area. I do not dislike startups or feel any malice towards anyone in that world, and just after the opening line mentioned that I have nothing but good things to say about my former employers and friends here.

        • cea says:

          some people have no home training. who calls someone out and references where they worked. and did you write the article? you clearly didn’t. you don’t know her personal work history or experience.

        • Abby says:

          Hi V,

          Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate your insights, however I believe you’ve misread and misunderstood the piece. There is no bitterness or resentment, and if you read through to the end, you will understand that I am trying to give a balanced perspective based on my personal experiences working with startups in Berlin, Gidsy being only one of many I have worked for, collaborated, and/or socialized with. These are all personal opinions expressed here, which is why it’s a blog post, and not a journalistic article.

        • Mike V. says:

          Wow, anonymous poster. Your dedication to ad hominem attacks, unprofessional name dropping, and straight up rudeness sure does a lot to bolster the professionalism and responsible behavior of the Berlin startup scene.

          Not.

      • cea says:

        stop saying these guys..i’m so sick of reading that in the comments section on startup articles. there are plenty of hard working women that work in startups too.

        and aren’t you stating the obvious by saying no one wants to bootstrap. duh.

        • Johann says:

          Berlin has an extremely low percentage of female founders and the problems she wrote about were with “20-something boys in high-level positions”, so I don’t think there is a need to bring idiotic gendering into this, even if you read it literally. Also, I have neither worked for a startup with a female founder nor heard of similar problems at one of the few startups with female founders… which probably doesn’t say a whole lot, because there are just not that many around in Berlin. (I mean actual independent companies, not company builder creations)

          Plenty of people want to bootstrap and do in fact bootstrap, you misunderstood that. Just (apparently) not people with a certain background.

    15. v says:

      Someone call the waaahmbulance… sounds like Abbey needs to go back to the 9 to 5 world.

      • Dr Fun says:

        Can you read? She’s not complaining, she’s giving a realistic view of what Berlin startups are like. If she was bawwwing she wouldn’t have ended the article with telling the reader to give it a try.

    16. Frieda says:

      Nailed it! I agree with you 100%. Wish we had met ????

    17. Extra points for using the word “Peacocking”

    18. Adam says:

      Thanks for saying this! It needed to be said.

    19. Yes says:

      You nailed it, nothing to add really. It’s not all bad, it’s not all good. And it has always been that way, maybe before 2000 startups were often a bit less fashion bloggish. But essentially some experience does help. I am 34 now.

    20. Lucy says:

      This is great Abby slash I couldn’t agree more.

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  • Daily Deutsch Doodle: Hasenbrot

    Category:

    Hasenbrot

    by Mariana, a miserável

    Daily Deutsch Doodles are a series of illustrations based on contributions to the #dailydeutsch Twitter hashtag, aimed at helping people trying to learn German.

    Hasenbrot by Mariana, a miserável, a Portuguese artist whose solo showroom exhibition opens today at idrawalot gallery in Neukölln (event details).

    Hasenbrot translates into “bunny bread” or “hare bread”, describing the leftover sandwich that was not eaten at work and brought back home by the worker. Apparently, lumberjacks used to claim that the food in question was nibbled by rabbits!

    4 Responses to “Daily Deutsch Doodle: Hasenbrot”

    1. Tom says:

      In Austria, a Hasenbrot means old, hard bread to feed bunnies. Maybe that’s an explanation?

      Yes, I’m german and LOVE to eat the Hasenbrot from my long gone dad when I was a kid! :-)

    2. Synke says:

      Hasenbrot. I almost forgot hat this existed! Us kids would love to eat my parents Hasenbrot. Not sure why, maybe because it happens very seldom they brought their sandwich back home again. Never knew where this originated from. Thanks for teaching me something new ;)

      • James Glazebrook says:

        No worries! As a not-native speaker trying to uncover the meaning of a long-forgotten word… I *hope* my explanation is correct!

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  • How to improve your German in Berlin

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    Written by Natalie Holmeson on behalf of www.be-my-guest.com who offer short stay Berlin Apartments, with an illustration by Jaime Huxtable.

    You might think that there’s no better place to learn German than the capital of the world’s most populous German-speaking country. But you’d be wrong. Berlin is an international city where you can, more or less, get by without speaking the language. Whether or not you’d want to–or should–has been hotly debated lately, but for those who do, the fact that so many people speak  English in Berlin can present a very real barrier to learning German.

    When I first arrived here almost four years ago, I spent a few months in totally unexpected culture shock. Sure, many people speak English, but that hardly helped me to decipher this new and strange city, with its impossibly long words and curious customs.

    As soon as I had time, I enrolled on a beginners course at my local Volkshochschule. It didn’t take long to realise that the more German I learnt, the more comfortable I felt in Berlin–and since I planned to be here long-term, knowing the language became a priority. It seemed essential to my well-being. Trouble was, I’d already begun forming a group of friends for whom English was the lingua franca.

    Of the many surprises offered up by Berlin, one of the least predictable was the struggle to speak German. On the long journey to making this city feel like home, here are some ways I’ve found to help master the Muttersprache.

    Radio, Films & TV

    This one’s kind of obvious, but shouldn’t be overlooked. When I ask Scandinavian friends how their English got to be so perfect, they often say it’s through watching subtitled films. There are some excellent German-language films you can watch holed up at home, all in the name of education. My favourites are epic BBC mini-series Das Boot, Wim Wenders’ classic Der Himmel über Berlin (Wings of Desire), cult favourite Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run) East Berlin spy thriller Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of Others), jolting social experiment Die Welle and practically anything by Michael Haneke. Most DVDs offer subs in a range of languages, but make sure you check the box if you’re buying from Germany, as the older ones probably won’t. It’s also possible to download subtitle text files and sync them with the film you’re watching.

    And it also works the other way round. Despite the dubious German tradition of dubbing films, some cinemas (like many in the Yorck group) show new releases in their original language with German subs (OmU). I find reading along in German as effective–if not more so–than hearing the German and reading in English. Plus those cinemas are beautiful, and their popcorn is the best in town.

    A German friend invited me to her local Kneipe one Sunday evening to get involved in the nationwide tradition of watching an episode of TV crime drama Tatort. I accepted, consoling myself that if I didn’t understand, hey, at least I’d be at the pub. But I did understand, mostly. Not every word, of course, but enough of the plot to genuinely react to twists and join in the with audience’s exaggerated shock at just the right moments.

    On a more day-to-day level, listening to the radio can be helpful. FluxFM have a feature called Lesen und Lesen Lassen that’s broadcast daily and also available online. Each day, a bite-sized section of a different book is read out, in German. I rarely understand all of the story, but as time goes by I notice that there are now more familiar words than unfamiliar. If it’s still all sounding indecipherable, try Deutsche Welle’s excellent Radio D, which is specially geared towards beginners, with basic vocab at a more leisurely pace.

    German gym classes

    It’s amazing how much new vocab I’ve learnt from fumbling my way through German Pilates and yoga classes. The good thing about those sort of classes is that you can get away with sneaking glances at your teacher (or classmates if your eyeline happens to be skewed by some awkward contortion) and following the moves without knowing exactly what’s being said. It wasn’t my intention to have learnt so many anatomical words and verbs through going to German gym classes, but a happy side-effect nonetheless. Now, when everyone’s at the pub talking about flexing their pelvic floor (der Beckenboden–in case you’re wondering), I can join in unembarrassed.

    Ask to speak German

    Another idea that seems simple enough in theory, asking to speak German can be a scary thing to do–not least because if you’re the one requesting it, then you’d better be able to hold a conversation. I’ve sat before in a group of people, all German except me, and everyone’s talking English. It’s silly and a bit embarrassing. But it’s easy. At some point embarrassment turns to shame and I hear myself say “Wir sollten auf Deutsch sprechen, oder?” There’s only so long I can sit there in silence, following the conversation but too slow to construct sentences to make a point before it moves on. In the end, I just have to blurt something out, word order all over the place. Someone replies. They knew what I meant! They didn’t laugh! Next time it’s easier.

    Similarly, who’s ever tried their very best to speak German to a local at a party, say, and met with replies in flawless English? Even when I persevere in this situation, replying stubbornly in German while my German counterpart persists with English, I inevitably lose the game, trumped by some complex grammatical structure or another. I get that it might be annoying to speak to someone struggling with a new language, but Germans, please, be patient with us. Humour us. Speak German to us!

    Fake it til you make it

    Of course, the best way to get better at German is to practice speaking it as much as possible. Predictably, all the best German speakers I know have either spent time immersed in Germany outside of Berlin or live with a German speaking flatmate or partner. But if shacking up with a native is not a feasible option, just fake it til you make it.

    Tandems are a popular option, where you meet up with a native speaker and spend half the time talking English and half talking German, and I recommend signing up to a service like Erst Nachhilfe to find the perfect partner. In fact, lots of friends have not only improved their language but also found themselves with a new boyfriend or girlfriend by seeking out a tandem. After all, when else do you spend so much one-on-one time talking about each others’ lives? The only risk is that if one of you is better than the other at their respective second language, you’ll slip into bad habits. Make sure you structure the conversation and stick to half and half, no matter how painful at first.

    Finally, treat yourself to a holiday somewhere rural and remote, where you know there’s little chance of people speaking English. The lake district in neighbouring Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, for example, is spectacular. Go off peak and off season and it’s a cheap but worthwhile break, and a chance to explore the beauty of Germany that so often gets buried beneath the bustle of Berlin.

    8 Responses to “How to improve your German in Berlin”

    1. […] society, and we don’t expect to ever be – not completely. No matter how much German we learn, language will always be some kind of barrier. Freelancing keeps us shut up in our home […]

    2. […] know it’s hard to learn German in Berlin. Ours is a city so international that some expats actually ask themselves (and us!) whether […]

    3. […] with Be My Guest, who offer short stay Berlin apartments. You can read it in full here. As you might guess, it’s about finding unconventional ways to improve your […]

    4. I am moving to Berlin in December (2013) and am learning German at the speed of snail whilst still in London. All the books and CDs contribute very little and I am finding that trips to Berlin (about 9 a year) and speaking with my German missus are a thousand times better. I hope that the immersion method when I am there works and I pick it up speedily. I am definitely not a natural linguist!!

      • James Glazebrook says:

        Hi Dave,
        That’s exactly what we found – that studying back in the UK was a little too theoretical to really bed in, and that as soon as we arrived we picked up the language much more quickly. Speaking German well is another thing, but with some basic learning behind you and some real-world context, you’ll start to understand a lot more once you’re actually here.
        Good luck with the move!

      • Good luck with the move Dave! Once you’re in Berlin you’ll be flying and getting to know the day to day local lingo that you can’t learn from a book. As well as speaking with your missus, I can highly recommend a tandem partner, as mentioned in the article.

    5. Agneska says:

      Using regular flats for holiday rental business is now illegal in several Berlin neighboorhoods due to the growing housing crisis. If you want to make money you should buy an hotel. The party with tax free earnings is over, everyone is going to get a nice letter from Finanzamt in the next 2 years. This people you advertise here don’t even have a german VAT Number on their website !

      • As we understand, it is of course perfectly legal to own a holiday apartment in Berlin, as it is to advertise one. However, owners may need certain permissions in specific conservation areas. Only German businesses, registered in Germany need a German tax number displayed on their website and consulting a qualified advisor is always better than hearsay. The article was about how to improve one’s German language skills, based on ours and Natalie’s own experiences in Berlin.

    leave a comment

  • My Neukölln Neighbours, and the Quest for the Magic Internet

    Category:

    A guest post from Paul Hawkins. Paul writes for the Hipstery, and strongly encourages you to drop everything and rush straight there. Illustrations by Holly Sims.

    I moved to Neukölln this year when a seemingly magical apartment came up. I heard about it through a close friend; just renovated, not even advertised. The landlord, meanwhile, didn’t even want papers. No bank statements, no proof of income, no scary document called a Mietewirdpünktlichbezahltwahrscheinlichgarantie, nothing. After hearing horror stories about having to bare-knuckle fight 40 people just to see the the front door of an apartment in Berlin, then needing a stack of papers so large that they can only be moved by wheelbarrow, it seemed like The Universe had just thrown me a Wohnung-shaped bone.

    I moved in one evening in January. It was warm, empty, and smelled of its new wood floors. I had a hot shower and a beer, unpacked my single suitcase, then lay down on a borrowed mattress in the middle of the room. I smiled, then fell asleep in my new home.

    The next day I was rattled awake at 9am by loud, floor-shaking anarchist punk. Disorientated, confused and staring at a strange new ceiling for the very first time, a slow realisation creeped into my head like a weird hangover:

    I didn’t need any papers.

    No one else in this building needed any papers either.

    As my plan was to go on a little door-to-door quest for a temporary wireless password, it wouldn’t be long before I met a few of them.

     

    Attempt One – No Internet

    Most days now, I wake up to a visit from Peter, who was my first neighbour friend. He lives opposite me, and I suspect is an alcoholic. This is partly because he often asks if I want to come over for a whiskey. Mostly, though, it’s because he often asks if I want to come over for a whiskey before I’ve even had a muesli.

    He is 60 years old, most proud of his missing finger, and is very keen on bumping fists. We communicate mostly in bad English, bad German, and, for a reason I haven’t quite figured out yet, by shouting “SEX!!” at each other when we can’t think of the right word. He has also decided that I am “very good man,” and that we are in a guitar and harmonica band called Peter und Paul (available for bookings).

    Neukölln Neighbours by Holly Sims: Peter

    One day, when he invited me over for a late drink in the afternoon, I asked him if anyone on our floor had wifi that they might be able to share with me. “SEX,” he replied, which meant no. He suggested, though, that I could maybe drill a hole then feed the wire in from upstairs.

    “Oh,” I said, “you don’t need wires.”

    He fist-bumped me, laughed, and shook his head. “It’s OK. The ceiling. It’s thin.”

     

    Attempt Two – No Internet

    Keen to help me on my new quest, Peter then introduced me to Bomb, who is a Canadian guy called Bomb that lives downstairs. On the way to meet Bomb, who is actually called Bomb, Peter warned me in German about two unnecessary details. Firstly, that Bomb has dogs. I knew this already, in fact, as they woke me up most of the days that Peter didn’t. Secondly, that Bomb has a beard “all over his face,” but is, nevertheless, a “very good man.”

    Wondering why Peter thought I needed warning about that trivial fact, I knocked on the door. The dogs barked loudly, then a bloody, bandaged hand reached around the door, followed by a man with no beard at all. I had misheard Peter. By which I mean I had not understood Peter. By which I mean I do not speak German.

    Peter had not said “beard” when he had pointed all over his face. He had said “tattooed.”

    Neukölln Neighbours by Holly Sims: Peter

    Bomb was initially aesthetically frightening but, indeed, a very good man. Since befriending him, I have a newfound respect and understanding for tattooing your whole face. There are far too many people in the world. It can be annoying. About 99% of them, however, are probably too scared to talk to people with tattooed faces. Bomb, therefore, has streamlined his life to just include the amazing 1% who are the least judgemental and awesome. It’s genius.

    He is a wise man who understands many things. One of them, however, is not wifi. I asked him if we could share his for a bit.

    “I don’t know,” he mumbled, “maybe we can drill a hole in the ceiling.”

    “No,” I said, and my mind exploded like a thing. “It’s wireless, you know. You don’t needa wire.”

    “My girlfriend’s back tomorrow. Come round then, she understands it more than I do.”

     

    Attempt Three – No Internet

    It was while knocking on the door for Bomb’s girlfriend that I met Martina, and I took the opportunity to ask her about the internet, which was beginning to seem like a quite a revolutionary technology in my building. Now, Martina is nice, simple, and talks a lot. Most admirable about her, however, is how she is will keep talking a lot even when she is understood very little. She lives next door to Bomb, and has three noisy children. I knew this already, in fact, as they woke me up any day that Bomb or Peter didn’t.

    Neukölln Neighbours by Holly Sims: Martina

    Amazingly, she had just got the internet installed that morning, and was delighted with the idea of sharing the cost. She didn’t know how to turn it on or use it yet, however, but she told me to come back the next night once her friend had explained to her how to get the password. By this point, of course, I was just delighted to find someone who understood the concept that wireless internet was, in fact, wireless.

    I returned as instructed the next day with my personal German translator, by which I mean girlfriend, and my idiot expat life enabling machine, by which I mean laptop. I hugged it to my chest like an excited child on Christmas Day.

    Now, as I said, Martina talks. She invited us in, and I waited in mostly dumb silence for thirty minutes, wondering how it could possibly take thirty minutes to get a wireless password. It was a long and confusing experience for me, because I didn’t understand a lot. It turned out it was also a long and confusing experience for my translator, who understood everything. To cut a long story English, the punchline is that Martina had decided, in incredibly expansive German, not to share the password with me because she had been warned I could download a movie, and she would have to pay a fine.

    My face dropped. Christmas was cancelled. Ignoring the embarrassing length of time that I was still eagerly and obliviously hugging the laptop to my chest, this was understandable. Especially in Germany, the land of the lawyer letter. What was less understandable, however, was that Martina told my girlfriend in that time that she had just cancelled her previous internet and television package, and was now worried that her radio wouldn’t work. 

    “Well, no…,” my girlfriend told her, before patiently going on to explain that radio works in a different way to television. A way that doesn’t need wires.

    —

    Soon after, I saw posters and leaflets from an internet company all around my building, advertising broadband. Realising that I was in such a wonderful building that the internet still needed to be pitched, I gave up with my neighbour-meeting mission and bought a web stick. I have since had three drunken visits from Peter asking to do a “goo-glee.”

    15 Responses to “My Neukölln Neighbours, and the Quest for the Magic Internet”

    1. Meg says:

      Hahaha, this article perfectly captures the absurdity of being foreign in Berlin… Especially for my first two years, I really felt like I had constantly missed some very important memo about how to get things done. Hahaha.

      Nowadays I meet so many confused expats, I decided to write a blog about adjusting to Berlin and I linked to this article as an example of how you have to embrace the weirdness of life as an Auslaender in Germany.
      https://englishyogaberlin.com/new-to-berlin-you-are-not-alone/

      thanks for the funny article :)

    2. […] life here is going to look different than what you expected. In fact, that would be true no matter where you were! But it will be clearer here. Adjusting will […]

    3. Seb says:

      I think I saw “Bomb” hanging outside the Bio-markt in Warschauer Strasse. Amazing how this post instantly crossed my mind!

    4. […] My Neukölln Neighbours, and the Quest for the Magic Internet (überlin vom 24. März) Gastbeitrag von Paul Hawkins (thehipstery) über seine Suche nach einem Zugang zum Internet in seinem Haus. […]

    5. Olya says:

      Why Internet? Start living real life haha
      btw fines for using torrents – that’s severe but civilized. The only “plus” of living in Russia is obviously an easy access to pirate stuff…

    6. Zippy says:

      this is pretty awesome.

    7. Linnea says:

      Can’t wait for Peter Und Paul’s first gig

    8. Fede says:

      This is hilarious!

      Some time ago my boyf tried to set up an internet connection the usual way (through a famous company whose name starts with Vod and ends with Afone), in Neukoelln, and he had almost as much trouble as you did.

      Let’s just f*ck the internet and go hug trees!!

    9. Evan says:

      What a fantastic post. I managed to capture the magestic internet for my apartment myself, but it’s fickle. Sometimes I think it decides to be slower than molasses in January just to spite me.

    10. Lesley says:

      Hilarious. Internet is a mythical creature in Schöneberg, my neck of the woods, too.

    11. Niksa says:

      I am wondering… Can you really be fined in Germany if downloading illegal content such as torrents and such?

    12. Isa says:

      An amusing case of ‘He died with a falafel in his hand’, although the falafel in Berlin is pretty good. Hope you ‘get’ the reference.

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